Thursday, August 24, 2006

Introspective thoughts

Someday somebody told me how impossible it was for her to write [poetry, lyrics] in Spanish. I think they might have been two people who told me that, in different situations. The thing is that they were right. English is shorter and sounds better in songs. Either that, or I'm a fucking poser. I don't know and I don't care. It's just that several years ago I noticed that I sometimes think in English. That's the motto of language schools down here in Peru, but I don't think they reach that goal within their studying programs. To me, it's the result of the process of being continuously reading, listening, writing and talking in English. In other words, it's a matter of practice. That's the key of everything. From grammar to empanadas. Really.

Sometimes I write things that I know only I understand. So I keep things short. It was hard for me to come up with 5 or 6 pages of a story for a contest when I could write it in 1. And still I insist in writing. I enjoy reading well written texts (a few of them by myself). Moreover, I enjoy correcting wrong written texts. I'd like to be an editor but I think I should have studied linguistics for that. I'd like to be a writer but I guess it's too late to grow abilities that were not well fed in the past.

I'd like to be a photographer too, but as a plus. I'd like to be a designer and own a graphics tablet attached to a magnificent Apple computer. I'd like to be a professional tennis player/competing taekwondist but that's completely out of my reach. I'd like to be a musician (in a certain way I still am) but I'm not sure about what I really want to do, when and with whom. My tendencies vary over time, in a sort of cyclic way, with periods of time in which I only listen to Dream Theater or Tool. Then another period comes, in which the diversity reigns. It may be boredom or a need to express a particular state of mind. The fact is that my [MP3] player can go from Chris Cornell to Gaia to Iron Maiden to Lamb of God in a single day. Amazing, considering that the same player is more used to go from Images And Words to Octavarium for weeks. So, when I dare to think about creating a new band the indecision begins.

I'd like to be so many things, all those things that were in my dreams when I had the chance of choosing a career and I blew it. I tried to straighten the direction of my life by enrolling in a cooking course. I've always wanted to be a chef, it's just that I didn't know until last year. The course is about to end. I've learned a lot and my palate is sharper than ever. That's good and bad at the same time: good because I'm closer to considering myself a gourmet and bad because I now find crappy the same food I liked before. Anyway, a year has gone by and I still feel I have lots to learn. Would it have been better for me to enroll in the two-year program? No way. I wouldn't have been able to cope with the stress and physical tiredness. Moreover, I can't stand certain people in the class. The kind of people that act according to the "law of the minimum effort". Anyway, eventually I'll be a manager and I will have the power to decide whom to work with. Excellent.

Back in reality, the core issue is: what the hell I'm doing here? Sitting in my office clothes, listening to Otep again (I haven't heard her for more than a year), thinking about food (not eating it, but cooking it, making recipes, photo shoots, opening a business...). And at the same time debugging an accounting system. So boring.

I was thinking this morning about how would my life be if I had studied design instead of engineering. Maybe it would have meant more sacrifice to get the things I own (the Rivera, the Carvin, the Voodu, the ESP Viper...) but I would have all the tattoos and piercings I want. And I guess I would still be making music.

That's the dark side. I mean, my current life is on the dark side. The problem is that the possibility of jumping into the bright side is inversely proportional to age. I began feeling old at 22. Not old in general, but old to straighten my life according to what I had always wanted. In its simplest expression: to be an artist.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I know why I write this blog for: to act as a recorder of all thoughts and experiences that will eventually begin to fade. But this, I don't know why.


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